


Bygones or: La Petite Mort

by LucyInTheSkye



Series: Sirius x Remus [37]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Dialogue Heavy, Explicit Conversations, Freckles, Kink Negotiation, Kissing, Love, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Multiple Orgasms, Past Rape/Non-con, Porn With Plot, Prostate Massage, Reminiscing, Sexuality, taking care of each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:02:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23916472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucyInTheSkye/pseuds/LucyInTheSkye
Summary: April 1980. The reluctant masturbatory habits of Remus Lupin meet the unabridged sexual history of Sirius Black. Remus’s prostate also has the time of its life.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Sirius x Remus [37]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1483745
Comments: 8
Kudos: 99





	Bygones or: La Petite Mort

**Author's Note:**

> Some problematic elements in this one, sorry about that! This is dialogue – smut -dialogue and has more plot threads than any of my other wolfstar porn fics. I think it can still be read as a stand-alone but consider this your warning. 
> 
> More pressingly, since I don’t know how to tag this; in the beginning of the fic there’s a discussion that I realize can be construed as a dub-con somnophilia situation. It’s not how either of the characters experience it, but if that sounds like something that might be difficult for you to read, please be kind to yourself and don’t. Also, and this I have tagged, this fic contains semi-graphic talk about previous rape/dub-con at best. It’s at the end after the smut section, so if you want to read a bit but are worried about it, then stop when everyone has climaxed and are snuggling together.

“You woke me up last night,” Sirius said. 

He was feeling quite smug and it definitely showed on his face, because Remus’s worried confusion changed into a more playful confusion. Instead of responding he drained his teacup and Sirius grabbed his wand and waved it around a little. Their empty breakfast plates soared off towards the sink into which they descended with a soft clatter, and their glasses and mugs followed; Remus’s was taken from his hands just as he was finished. Still, Sirius could see a wistful look on his lover’s face as he turned to look at the flying crockery.

“I wouldn’t have said no to a third cuppa,” Remus said mildly. 

“Oh, don’t mention it, it was no bother at all,” Sirius replied, mimicking Remus’s tone of voice. He could see Remus’s pretty eyes glitter.

“Thanks for breakfast, love,” Remus amended. “It was very tasty. Next time you might want to brew a bigger pot of tea, but other than that it was quite perfect. I feel spoiled.”

Sirius laughed in delight, couldn’t help himself. Remus was smiling too but keeping his composure. His curved mouth and the crow’s feet around his eyes were so devilishly attractive; also Sirius really couldn’t wait for summer. Summer meant there would be more freckles, freckles everywhere; sunny kisses all over Remus’s body…

“How did I wake you up, then? I don’t remember having a bad dream or anything like that.”

“Well,” Sirius mused, “I think it was a good dream. It’s more that you were a bit of a bad boy about it, if you catch my drift.”

“Merlin’s beard,” Remus muttered, cottoning on and immediately overtaken by that hot and sweaty embarrassment that made Sirius’s stomach explode with new-born butterflies. 

“I love it,” Sirius said, and his voice came out a bit on the gruffer, breathier side. Remus ducked his head and squirmed in his seat. “Usually when you do it I just hug you and go straight back to sleep. Last night you were so fucking insistent, though, that I wasn’t able to. So I just watched you and let you do your thing.”

“Bloody hell,” Remus muttered; and now he sounded a bit worried again. Sirius made sure to flash him a huge, comforting smile when he looked up. 

“Gets me hot, too. That you’re gagging for it even in your sleep. Could be that you’re dreaming of someone else, of course, but it’s still me that you’re clinging to, me you’re rubbing your prick against. So I’ll take it as a personal gift.”

Remus produced a smile that edged on bitter and lovelorn. Sirius could feel it like another direct hit to his tummy, a fresh batch of butterflies that whirled around, squeaking ‘Remus! Remus! Remus!’. 

“It’s just you. I don’t like thinking of other people that way. I reckon I’ve had a handful of sex dreams at most that weren’t about you after, you know, after you first ambushed me. Back in school.”

“But that’s years ago, love. We didn’t even last a month, did we? I wasn’t relationship material then, and you -”

Remus met his gaze steadily.

“You were so sweet and flustered. And you had so many freckles then, that’s when you had just been to Madagascar.”

Remus smiled and nodded. Sirius turned his head to the side and gazed intently at his lover. Thought about what he had said.

“How about during the years you were single, or practically in a relationship with school and then with the Order? Little to no sex, and you're telling me you genuinely didn’t even fantasize about anyone but me? Still don’t?”

Remus gave him a mortified look.

“Not even Bagman, or, I dunno… Bowie? Olivia Newton-John?”

Remus actually shuddered.

“Right, none of them have your favourite assets. Brigitte Bardot? Sophia Loren?”

Remus looked completely humiliated and Sirius felt those weird instincts take over, the ones that made him want to spoon-feed Remus porridge and warm milk and rub his feet and put him to bed in his soft flannel pyjamas. 

“It’s alright, I won’t pry anymore,” Sirius said carefully. “You’re fine just like you are, and you’re more than welcome to use any image of me for your one-on-one time.”

“I don’t like masturbating,” Remus muttered.

“See, you’ve said that before, but I just figured you were embarrassed about it so I didn’t pick you up on it,” Sirius mused, privately wondering if he could ask more or if he needed to back off. The subject was fascinating, though. “You see where my confusion comes from though, yeah? Your sex-drive is higher than mine, which is a sentence I never thought I would be able to say to anyone.” 

Sirius prudently did not mention Marlene at this juncture, because Remus still acted weird whenever her name came up. 

Remus was quiet for a long time, eyes flickering as though he was seriously considering just running away, fleeing into the busy London street outside.

“It’s not been like this before. My… _My drive_. It’s just around you, but now that I have you... I… I want you, always, and unfortunately that’s not something I can turn off…”

“Nothing unfortunate about it,” Sirius interrupted; although he had already strictly told himself that he wasn’t to interrupt Remus when he built up the courage to talk about things. Remus looked immensely relieved as soon as Sirius’s words were out, however.

“Of course I’d get the urge now and then before I had you, but I would always feel guilty about it,” Remus said carefully; he was explaining his odd youthful masturbation habits to their kitchen table rather than to Sirius. “I was miserable when we broke up in fifth year. I tried not to think about anyone at all, especially not about you or anyone I knew. No real people, no photos of real people. Sometimes I thought about statues I’d seen in muggle museums. Greek and Roman marble ones.”

Sirius almost burst out laughing, indeed it was a very close thing. This wasn’t the sort of amusing Moony neurotics he was allowed to laugh at, though. All of Remus’s weird hang-ups were just as precious as his freckles, probably just as plentiful. Sirius wondered if they multiplied in the summer, too.

“Then I got with you and it’s as though my libido literally skyrocketed,” Remus continued agitatedly. “I can’t stop, I… Whenever I smell you… You walk into a room and I… Just thinking about you, just remembering…”

Remus let out a delicate whimper that Sirius found himself opening his mouth for it, as though he could maybe taste it even though there was a table between them. 

“Fuck me, that’s hot,” Sirius said. Remus’s head snapped up, and although there had been something hopeful in his face all along there was disbelief there, too. “I mean…” Sirius stopped for words, which was unusual for him. Very unusual. “I’ve never received higher praise than that, Remus. That’s the compliment to end all compliments, surely.”

Remus continued to stare hopefully at him.

“Thank you,” Sirius said softly. 

After that a sort of companionable silence settled between them. Remus looked as though he couldn’t quite believe he wasn’t being berated. Sirius was still processing the details. The butterflies hadn’t calmed back down.

“Well,” he stated eventually, “I don’t wank off that much anymore, either. Have to keep up with you after all. But I have wanked to thoughts of you many, many, many times. You’re definitely prime la petite mort material.”

Remus, whose face had almost returned to normal colour, groaned and now he hid his face in his hands.

“Next time I masturbate, I’ll probably think about how you get hard for me in the night when you’re sleeping. How you mumble my name in your sleep and mash your nose into my neck and how you grope me and hump my thigh in your dream.”

Remus made a cute, snuffling noise and continued to hide. Sirius watched him with a full, fuzzy heart; his slender, knobbly fingers attempting to cover up his brilliant pink cheeks, his soft, unruly curls, his sharp elbows balancing precariously on the table. 

“It’s either you having a full-on sex dream, or it’s imagining a threesome with Travolta and Newton-John. I’ve got a feeling he’d do my bidding and she’d want to be in control of us both.”

Remus gave him a sour look from between his fingers, but he was grinning, too.

“You’re not even into control,” Remus said, predictably sounding a bit miffed about it.

“I’m not, no.” Sirius watched his lover as he came out of hiding, straightened up and tried to look in possession of himself again. Sirius couldn’t help but think that it was unfortunate that Remus took the occasional interest in control. Remus’s mind took rather too well to it, be it domination or submission. His mind took it very seriously indeed and to the point where the rest of Remus might just break underneath the weight of it. But that’s what Sirius was there for, he supposed. He was there to make sure nothing ever got broken. 

“Did you bring this all up for any special reason, or..?”

“Oh, right,” Sirius said, dragging himself out of his worries. “Yeah, I probably was angling for sex, wasn’t I?”

“Is that so?” Remus said with a small smile.

“Mmm. You’ve kept me on my toes since last night. You got to come nice and easy in your pyjamas, and I got no release at all, just got to watch how beautiful your face is when you’re both sleeping and coming at the same time.”

Remus looked less embarrassed about it now, which was a relief.

“You up for something?” Sirius asked. The answer always seemed to be yes, but Sirius quite liked the act of asking. 

“Yes please.”

“Back to bed, then,” Sirius said happily and rose from his chair. 

Remus made some awkward adjustments to the front of the dressing gown he was wearing before he got up, too. Sirius took his hand and they walked into their bedroom, side by side. Sirius could feel the emotions mount inside of him, tornado of butterflies, his heart going in for a stint as an escape artist, and he could hear Remus’s breathing get heavier and heavier, could see the bulge he hadn’t managed to hide away with the sash of his dressing gown.

“I quite literally can’t get enough of you,” Sirius explained, each of his words punctuated by a quick kiss on Remus’s soft, slightly parted lips. More kisses after. And a few more. They fell onto the bed, bodies squirming against each other, Sirius’s underwear half-way down his thighs, his shirt pushed up to his chest, and Remus’s dressing gown opened wide. He was insatiable and completely content because of it, Remus’s mouth on his, his skin on Sirius’s skin, his hands in his hair. There were no beginnings and no ends, just a pulsing, hot centre of want.

“You can wake me up if I’m too much in the night,” Remus panted, one hand on Sirius’s elbow and the other several fingers deep in his mouth. Sirius sucked and sucked. 

“I can’t imagine what too much of you would be, honestly,” Sirius slurred around fingers, feeling them stroke his teeth, his lips. He chased them with his tongue. “You feel so good at night. Your warm, hot body. You like having something between your legs when you sleep and that’s so fucking sexy to me.”

Remus kissed him, warm thumb still inside, getting mixed up with their tongues. Sirius stroked his back worshipfully, felt the supple skin, the small, stretchy, hard, sinewy muscles, the brittle, delicate bones. All the parts that made him up; Sirius wanted to make love to them all. Wanted to count the freckles come summer.

Sirius pushed the dressing gown completely off his lover and kicked his own underwear off without problem. They had to stop their kissing briefly to get Sirius’s shirt off, though, and Sirius loved how they were panting in sync.

They kissed again, breathy, heavy kisses. Then again, and again. Warm and naked and so wrapped up in each other’s mouths that nothing else existed. 

When they parted Remus looked like the cutest, most innocent sex-god Sirius had ever seen. His lips looked almost bee-stung and they were wet and open and formed the word ‘more’ when Sirius watched them. Remus’s hair was mussed, curls straining in all directions, and his eyes were bright, so very bright.

“You could tie me up and finger me?” Remus suggested. He was blushing ever so sweetly as soon as he spoke the words. It really couldn’t get more endearing than that, but Sirius still watched him, utterly love-sick. He could have counted the freckles on his cheek, but he really should wait until summer when they procreated and spread out… Remus wiggled eagerly on his shapely little bum.

“I love how soft and tight you are on the inside,” Sirius said appreciatively, gathering his wits as best he could. “So good around my fingers. I could milk your prostate?”

“Yeah,” Remus said breathlessly. “And I want to kiss.”

“You’ve read my mind,” Sirius said happily, although to be fair he probably would have said that no matter what Remus suggested. He’d do anything, wouldn’t he? Would he?

Remus was laid out on their sheets, his body squirming happily and his skin looking so luscious against the blue of them. Sirius reached over him, touching him on purpose when he got a small pillow and a bottle of lube. He lifted Remus’s lower body easily with one hand, and he could see Remus suck in a breath. Remus’s ribs cradling his expanding lungs and Sirius felt his dick pulse with happiness. The pillow fit just right underneath Remus’s arse, angling him to make the impending internal massage easier on them both. 

Sirius didn’t like the feeling of his own prostate touched; it almost hurt and he had never come from it. He supposed he was an anomaly in that sense. Remus, too, was an anomaly, but in the complete opposite way. He could come and come, over and over, from his prostate and his penis, separately or simultaneously. If it had been anyone but Remus, Sirius might have been envious. Remus deserved all the pleasure in the world, however.

Remus placed his arms over his head, his wrists crossed. He gave Sirius a nervous look, one that looked brittle and scared and hopeful. Sirius pretended he hadn’t noticed. He laid down next to his lover, slightly further down. With two lube-covered fingers it was easy to breach his lover. He teased just inside the rim for a while, watching Remus’s blissful expression and just feeling him out. It was almost as though Remus’s little hole was sucking on his fingers; there were soft, wet flutters around his fingertips, then a completely different type of strength as he moved a bit further in.

“So strong,” Sirius told him in a whisper, and Remus looked almost confident. He licked his swollen lips and Sirius edged closer. Remus bent his head towards him and shyly met his eyes.

“Strong, healthy ring of muscle,” Sirius continued, his fingers moving as delicately as they could. Remus was relaxing for him already. “Perfectly formed. Functions exactly like it should. You’re comfortable and aroused and your hole is letting me inside.”

Remus whined softly, apparently he was already beyond words. His eyes were growing heavy-lidded and the arousal in them appeared endless. Sirius was so near now that he could feel the quick, breathy exhales on his face. 

“I’m going a little bit deeper, now,” Sirius said, watching his lover’s face carefully for a reply. He got a nod and a moan.

Sirius inched his way inside past the loosened sphincter. It felt so nice around him, occasionally spasming, but mostly at ease. 

“I was going to kiss you next, but we need more lube,” Sirius explained regretfully. Remus groaned and squeezed around his fingers, as if he could stop them from exiting.

Sirius laughed to himself and got up and out, ignoring the offended noises his lover made. More lube on his fingers. Lots and lots. When he was sitting up Remus caught his eye and then looked up over his head to where his wrists were still resting in an inviting cross-shape. 

“I can’t right now,” Sirius said. Remus bit his sore-looking bottom lip and nodded once. His eyes were unusually difficult to read, like some of the old walls from a year ago had been re-erected. It didn’t last long, however; as soon as Sirius teased his soft little opening with his fingers he moaned and writhed and spread his legs beautifully. He looked so wanton that Sirius temporarily forgot the timid and repressed lover he sometimes had to deal with.

“You’re so attractive, babe. So up for it, aren’t you? Want to feel me play with your magic spot?”

Remus grinned and spread even wider, his hands now comfortably under his head, elbows stretching. Sirius sat between his legs and looked down at him, looked deep into his eyes and slid his fingers inside, barely meeting any resistance this time around. Remus’s eyes bored into him, half challenge, half pure, unadulterated love, and Sirius slid further, further, stopping just as his second knuckles breached Remus’s rim. 

“Ahhh…” Remus got out, his mouth half open and his eyes half shut, lids growing so heavy, his thick pale eyelashes fanning beautifully. 

“That feels nice, doesn’t it?” Sirius said gently, although he wasn’t expecting a reply. This was when Remus was likely to drown in his own pleasure. 

He felt around the round, firm bump inside. It was a bit swollen from arousal, but it could get bigger. Would get bigger. Sirius would make that his mission today, massage it until it was huge and fat and had given Remus all the pleasure he deserved. 

He began rubbing around it gently with his two fingers. Remus liked hard pressure, but Sirius thought he responded even better if there was a slow build-up. He looked comfy, mostly, arms relaxing behind his head and his face a picture of bliss. His dick was bloated and heavy, however, and sometimes it twitched endearingly. The vulnerable pink head was poking out of lightly freckled foreskin. There were veins, too, big ones and small ones, and it was possible to see so much of the workings inside. It was rather fascinating to someone who was drawn to the mechanics. Sirius went from watching mostly his lover’s face to watching just his dick. Any second now, any second and it would start…

They moaned in unison, both deep in their throats. Sirius almost bent down to lick it up but didn’t because he wanted to see how much there would be if he left it for a bit. He sent Remus’s yearning, no longer quite content face a proud look, then he went back to watching his penis. It was leaking, and not just a little. The pink head looked so tender and shiny, delicious little slit that was pressing the stuff out, the stuff Sirius would love to have on his tongue. The precum was thick and shiny and completely see-through, a continuous strand of it forming a modest pool on Remus’s precious little belly. Sirius pressed a little harder inside, made the circles a little tighter. Remus’s hips began to twitch. They probably wanted to thrust, but since there wasn’t a full cock inside, nor Sirius’s groin to grind against, they were left to move in tiny, aborted movements. It was incredibly fulfilling to watch.

The bump was swelling, Sirius thought it felt firmer against the pads of his two fingers. He was groping it rhythmically now, like a deep-tissue massage but on a tiny, defenceless building block of his lover’s dear, dear body. Remus was moaning to himself, body in constant, minute movement, hips and shoulders, head turning from side to side. The colour was spreading from his cheeks down his neck and chest and his eyes were clenched shut, his brow settling into a deep frown. 

“So close already,” Sirius whispered, but Remus’s moans were louder than his voice and it was unlikely he heard it. He must know it himself anyway, must feel it building, building…

“Sirius! Sirius!” Remus chanted it at first, a strange urgency to his voice that made it crack and morph into a whisper. He was spasming beautifully around Sirius’s fingers, it felt like rippling waves. He covered his face with his hands and Sirius heard him sob from the intensity. His stomach was clenching, and the ever-growing pool of pre-ejaculate was surfing around like oil on water. Sirius’s eyes swam with emotion as he watched.

He didn’t stop massaging Remus’s prostate, there was no need for a break. He watched his face for a bit, then his heaving chest. His hard dick that had grown pinker and, if possible, even more bloated. Neither man had touched it and Remus hadn’t come from it yet. Sirius was dying to know if that would mean a larger load of come for him when he finally did coax his dick to climax. Still, he left it alone, left it lying thick and weighty in the sticky puddle of its own making.

Remus made a sweet, rather bewildered noise, which Sirius took as his cue to lie down next to him, fingers still inside him. Remus turned his face, and although his eyes with their heavy, moist eyelashes remained closed, his mouth opened to produce a greedy moan. 

Sirius shuffled all the way to him and gave him the softest, gentlest kiss he was capable off. Wet, cushiony lips that tasted headier and more fragrant than honey. Remus moaned again and suddenly angled his face, thrust his tongue into Sirius’s mouth, took the back of his head in his hand. The kiss turned passionate, almost dirty. Sirius kept rubbing his prostate, wrist painful from the exertion and hand at a strained angle, but they both had to have it like this. Before long Sirius had to press his erection into his lover’s side because it got too needy to bear, too swollen. Needed Remus to relieve a bit of pressure. 

Fifteen minutes later Remus had two, possibly three more prostate orgasms in relatively quick succession. They pulsed through his body for minutes at a time and made his mouth ever more desperate for Sirius’s mouth. Occasionally he tried to form words around Sirius’s tongue, but the way he had latched onto Sirius’s head meant Sirius couldn’t move enough to hear him. His wrist was in agony and his fingers beginning to cramp, but it was otherworldly to be able to touch Remus so intimately while he came and came, to feel and partake in the orgasms. Beautiful clenchings around his fingers, the hard, throbbing feel of the gland responsible under the tip of his finger. 

Eventually, Remus’s hand seemed to tire, too, and he released his iron grip on Sirius’s head.

“You need to fuck me!” he almost shouted, agitation weighing heavy enough on his voice that it broke.

Sirius grinned into his suddenly wide-open, crazed eyes and stilled his movement. His fingers all the way to his wrist throbbed even as he edged them out. Remus lost no time once Sirius had stopped milking his prostate. He twisted around like a man possessed, scrambling to get on top of Sirius. 

“Mmm, that’s it, love,” Sirius got out; Remus had gripped his prick with a shaking hand and was pushing it into his flat stomach, purposefully missing his own erection. Remus’s whole belly was drenched in precum, shiny, sticky, wet or almost dry in places. It felt deliciously kinky on Sirius’s aroused skin, slick and noisy and best of all made by Remus. Remus cast Sirius a quick look while he rubbed up and down once to check it was slathered all over, a glance that culminated in Remus blushing spectacularly again. Sirius had licked his lips and winked to show his approval.

“Gonna sit on my dick like a good boy now?”

“Yes!” Remus hissed, but his body was thrumming with aggression Sirius so rarely saw in him. It was hilarious, but Sirius made a point of not laughing. Not loudly, anyway.

“I’ve got you, let’s ease it all inside you and you can use me for as long as you need, okay?” Sirius said instead. He was trying to help Remus get the aim right, indeed Sirius was usually the one in charge of penetration and Remus was desperate enough that his hand kept slipping, his hips kept moving and making his massive erection bob in a way that was clearly agony for him. 

“Mmm…”

Remus moaned and Sirius felt his own mouth fall open too; the sight so erotic that he wished he hadn’t promised Remus he would stay hard and good to use for as long as he wanted it. Remus had finally gotten the angle right and apparently the slickness had been just right, too. He sank down immediately, taking everything Sirius had just like that. Now he was sitting perfectly still, his shoulders squared, his eyes closed, and his last moan still echoing around their bedroom.

Then he began to move.

“Uh…uh…uh…oh!”

Remus managed four bounces on top of Sirius’s dick and then his eyes flew open with a shout. Sirius sat up quick as a flash, meeting his lover halfway because he appeared to be in free fall, shaking and coming uncontrollably. Sirius shushed him and stroked his hair, cradled him as best he could between his torso and his bent legs. His free hand he wound between them, and before he had a good grip Remus’s dick exploded in his hand. 

“You… only you… always you…” was what Sirius thought he said. He was burrowing his head into Sirius’s shoulder, rocking his hips erratically while he spurted come all over both of them. Sirius couldn’t hold out any longer; he came too, deep inside the warm, wet body of the man he loved.

“Always you,” he echoed, and feeling that to be inadequate, “I love you, Remus.” 

He was exhausted, which only amplified the notion that Remus must be feeling like a wrung-out flannel. With great care he leant back down on the sheets, taking his lover with him. He was still inside of Remus, and Remus looked up shyly from his shoulder. His face was wet and red and Sirius wanted to taste his freckles. He raised a hand and brushed some of Remus’s sweaty fringe away from his temples.

“My fingers were inside you for so long that the skin has gone all wrinkly and pruney, look!” Sirius showed him, but Remus didn’t seem very impressed. 

“Mmm,” he said softly, then blinked worriedly when Sirius’s dick went completely soft and slipped out of him.

Sirius reached behind him without thinking and touched him there, felt the soft, wet skin. Remus didn’t flinch in pain so Sirius entered ever so gently, just a finger, just for a quick feel and maybe to scoop a little onto his finger. Just a little.

Remus’s tired face split into a grin when Sirius brought his finger back and licked it, sucked carefully on it to get it all. He enjoyed it, but then that wasn’t news to either of them. He glanced down his chest and felt a swoop deep in his belly. There was so much come there it looked as though Remus had come at least twice. He had a taste of that, too, then a bit more. Remus watched him amusedly. 

“I don’t reckon I’ve ever received this good a pounding,” Remus said eventually, stretching his legs a little.

“I mean, I didn’t actually last long, did I?” Sirius began, but then he hugged Remus closer, made sure he was comfortable half on Sirius and half on the mattress. He just managed to reach a blanket and he pulled it up despite the heat from their bodies. Tight and snug and just right. “That was a lot for your body to take,” he said instead.

“Don’t want it like this every day, but sometimes it’s nice to be overwhelmed.”

“And feel the soreness afterwards, I bet,” Sirius said with a wry smile.

“Yes,” Remus said, mild and defensive in equal measure. “It’s what I like. Sometimes.”

“Then that’s what you’ll have,” Sirius said, “sometimes.”

“But you won’t tie me up and – and…” Remus’s words faltered, and he got too embarrassed to continue. He kept hold of Sirius’s gaze, however, which was, in a way, a vast improvement. 

The problem was the subject matter, but then Sirius probably owed it to him to talk about it. It wasn’t as though he didn’t know that tying him up would get Remus off. Remus’s body would love it, and the unbroken, animal part of his mind would love it, too. Sirius could tell that much. The other part of Remus’s mind was skittish. Fragile. Jagged edges of something that had shattered years ago and was only beginning to heal now. Prone to self-loathing and carrying so much hidden hurt around that Sirius felt physical pain whenever they had an encounter in the wild. It would have been enough reason on its own to refuse more than gentle exploring in that field.

“I got hurt,” Sirius said bluntly instead. Remus stilled in his arms and turned wide, fearful eyes at him, and the pity in them was something Sirius didn’t want to bear. This conversation was probably long overdue, but still.

Sirius bowed his head and kissed one of the deep furrows on Remus’s brow. It wouldn’t budge.

“My cousin would put body-bind spells on me and hurt me. Sometimes it was sexual and sometimes it was just for fun, but you already know that. I also asked this man…” Sirius swallowed; his throat suddenly felt as though he was preparing to deep-throat, although he wasn’t. This felt like all of the puke and none of the good. “He was rough with me and I wanted more, went back looking for it. Asked him to do BDSM properly with me. Show me the ropes, as it were. Tie me up and make me come from pain. Make me bend to his will. He agreed, we… He did it for two hours, and every second of it felt like I was being raped.”

The dam apparently burst for Remus at the last word, and Sirius tried to comfort him best he could. Shush him and lap up his sweet, warm, salty tears. Remus was getting all in his face though, looking as if he needed to hear it all. Sirius swirled the flavour around his mouth. The memory had been boxed up years ago, along with so many other ones, but that didn’t mean that the rawness had magically disappeared over time now that he was opening the lid again to peek inside.

“I never told him to stop, so I never found out in the end. I’ll never know if I was getting raped or not.”

Sirius sighed and kissed Remus again, tried to cradle him more snugly against himself. The come that had felt so nice on him now felt sticky and uncomfortable.

“I was even younger and stupider back then as you remember, which is why I’m still not sure if I can fault him for it or not. He must’ve been in heaven, proper sadist who got a mouthy, pretty young twink to play with. He tried to break me because I asked him to. My mind… My body broke a long time before… Obviously I couldn’t even come from it in the end, never been less turned on in my life. I healed, but it was too big a sacrifice for me just to gain a little self-knowledge from. I’m not wired that way, which is why-”

“He was to blame for it,” Remus said roughly and surprisingly clearly. His eyes were still brim-full with tears. “Don’t blame yourself. He knew you were new to it, that you wanted to just try it. And you can’t… Not everyone can find words, during sex. He needed to ask you if you were ok.”

“True,” Sirius said slowly. Remus’s belly felt good again under his hand and he found himself rubbing it gently, over and over. Wet and flat and smooth and delicate and so, so soft. “I learnt a lot from that experience.”

Remus sobbed out loud again and Sirius’s heart reached its breaking point. He couldn’t take it anymore.

“You’re so good and so beautiful,” Sirius explained gently in his ear, now caressing him all over, trying to will Remus’s pain away. “Sweet and kind and with so much empathy. Gorgeous inside and out. You’re safe and loved, yeah? I’ll care for you, make sure you never have to experience… We’ll explore sex carefully and I’ll make sure you never get hurt. I can promise you that much.”

“What about you? I tied your… your dick up. And I spanked you.”

Sirius grinned broadly, because trust himself to find something amusing in a situation like this. Remus’s eyes boring into his were crestfallen. 

“And you asked beforehand and I said yes. I didn’t love it, but they were small things to me. Didn’t feel bad, and you loved it so that made it plenty good for me too in the end. Afterwards.”

Remus stared sceptically at him and Sirius smiled and licked his nose tip. It, too, tasted like Remus’s tears.

“I don’t have a hard line on everything you might bundle up and shove into BDSM,” Sirius continued, now warming up to his subject. “Like you’ve already figured out, I can’t deal with the power exchange either way. But I can still play with words; really, they mean fuck-all to me unless I mean them. I love it rough and dirty; I love how sweetly you blush for me when you think you’re being humiliated. And I fucking love choking on your enormous cock.”

Remus finally smiled for him and Sirius’s whole heart attempted to burst out of his ribcage to get to his love. Remus was the most wonderful thing he had ever seen.

“That’s enough for me, we don’t need to do any of the other things,” Remus said determinedly.

“Nothing wrong with pushing ourselves to the edges of our comfort zones sometimes,” Sirius said gently. “I can take a bit of pain, sometimes it’s quite nice. And I want to get to know all about your sexuality, I do. We’ll explore it all, just slowly and safely and without pushing either of us too far, too quickly. Every little quirk you have, however often or seldom you feel it or however weird or normal you think it is, we’ll get to it. It’s just…”

Sirius swallowed.

“You’re scared you’ll hurt me. You’re scared of where in my head I’ll go.”

“Exactly,” Sirius said softly. He hadn’t realized Reus already understood, but now he really needed to chastise himself. What sort of a lover was he, underestimating his boyfriend like that? Remus was brilliant, and he deserved a kiss.

“Mmm – ahh,” Remus got out, mouth covered by Sirius’s. Their kiss grew sloppy and tongue-heavy because Sirius couldn’t think of a better type of kiss. He thought Remus agreed, too. 

“Thanks for telling me,” Remus said eventually against his mouth. Both their lips were plusher than normal, both numb and oversensitive at the same time, and it seemed unlikely either one of them could ever stop with the touching. 

“Not a problem,” Sirius said into his warm, wet tongue. It wasn’t a problem in the way Remus thought it was, anyway. Sirius was good at keeping his shit together, good at compartmentalizing, good at joking about each and every violation committed against himself. The problem would always be Remus, sweet and beautiful Remus, who got hurt from hearing the stories. That was what made Sirius hurt, possibly was the only way he could feel hurt nowadays. 

“I underestimated you,” Sirius confessed after a few more kisses. “I should have told you earlier. You’re strong, mind and body.”

“Not always,” Remus said mildly, “and you don’t always have to be, either. You can… It goes both ways, you know. I want to be there for you too.”

“You already are,” Sirius replied immediately. “You already are.”


End file.
